The Don-Bobby Guild

We have finished reading the letters Don and I wrote to one another in the academic year 1969-1970.  They bring back such powerful memories of my growing love for Don as well as my maturation as an adult.  Don was not just 7 years older than I at the time; he was light years more mature in his understanding of the complexities of life.  These letters prove just how much I learned from him about life and possibilities.  That learning became a template for the following 56 years of our life together.

In his May 3, 1970 letter, Don referenced an observation he attributed to Karl Menninger that the most important decision a man makes is what he chooses to do in life, the second most important decision a man makes is with whom he would perform that work.   Don writes about me:

“She is not only his best (and only real) friend but also much more. I refuse to admit that I am building my whole life ‘around you,’ but my whole life is only half. I want to form a partnership and guild together, two whole lives which will be richer and more beautiful than 1 or ½ or 2 or 3. I have made up my mind that the who (i.e. Bobby) is more important (now and forever) than the what (i.e. philosopher-teacher).”

How fortunate I was to be a partner in our guild.  We made a remarkable life, with two exquisite children, and later two amazing grandchildren, cherished family and friends who were always more like family.  We shared a lifetime of service to higher education. Don’s May 1969 words still resonate, but the contrast between that powerfully generous, brilliant, loving man and the Don of today is almost too painful to contemplate.  I have not lost him as I made myself lose Mom, but I have found I must put up barriers. Otherwise, I would not be able to function. I miss him more than I will ever be able to say. These memories and these letters do not take away the pain of the changed Don, but they offer solace and for that I am deeply grateful.

As would be typical in our life together, I have begun to muse on that Meninger comment.  First, I have tried to find the quotation and have been unsuccessful.  It is possible that Don made up the source or misremembered it (he was known to do that).  In 1969 I would never have even thought to question him. His mind and memory were encyclopedic.  How could I question his assertion? Only later in our lives did I begin to sense that sometimes he was creative in his memories of sources. So today in 2026, I would so love to search with him for the real source.  And then after we had done our research and determined if it really was Menninger, I would tell Don that it did not matter who was the source, the sentiment was right.  I loved my life in the academy and feel I did some important work (only possible because of Don’s support and wisdom).  But being Don Hart’s best friend was much more important than anything I accomplished in my career.

Last night, I slept in Don’s shirt.